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Dear Diary,
today, i went to meet Ellen, cause i needed to talk to someone about A, tsk. How much disappointment can someone bring. And to think all the while i treated him as my older brother. Tsk. I'm so disappointed in him. Seriously. Ugh.

Anyws, Ellen, came to my house, we rotted, watched alot of nigahiga, poreotics, and some other vids on YouTube. Then rotted all the way. Went to Tampines Central to rot after that. Tsk, thought didi can come & meet us also :( But he's busy. Tsk, sian. Hahahhahas. Anyws, met up with Shirley when we're at Tampines Central after that. Walked around a little, rotted a little, went home.

Felt really lousy, asked DDT to meet. Told him i was stressed, told him i need someone to talk to. He didn't wanna come at first. Told me to learn to rely on myself. And stop relying on him since he can't always be with me. And after today, i guess he never will be again. I told him that i know i can't rely on him always. That's why from the start, i've slowly, learn to rely on myself more and more. If not for the fact that i'm freaking stress, i wouldn't even ask him out like i usually do. He said since i keep asking him out today, give him a valid reason why he should meet me. This is what i said, "Cause i'm freaking stress today, i'm going crazy. I really want to see you, you make me feel better. I realy need to talk to someone now, to feel better now, cause i seriously am gonna go crazy soon from the stress. And somehow, idk why, you're damn good at making me feel better just through simple ways." Actually, i do know why you're damn good at that. Cause i like you, i like you that much, that even a simple hello, a simple good morning from you can make my day. After that he told me okay, after all, he wants to settle this once and for all. I admit, i was scared. I really was damn scared, i'll lose him after this. So i told him, nvm, i think you just go on and do your stuff. Let's not meet. He says, no, he's already on his way. Oh fuck. End up, went to meet him.

On the way going to meet him, i quarrelled with my sister. Seriously, what the fuck does she expect from me? She says i'm turning from bad to worse. Is she fucking serious? If she really wants to compare, freaking compare me from last time till now. I've changed so much. I stay at home more often now, i'm not as greedy as i used to be. I'm not that self-centered anymore. But no, to her i'm just turning worse. When from the fact that i used to stay out 7days a week, till now, at most 5 days a week. I've changed so much. Why can't she tell? In fact, to her, i'm still turning worse. To her, i'll forever be the unfilial daughter, the never understanding sister which is just a burden, a waste of space on earth. I admit, not everything that she expect from me i did do. But what the hell? I have a life, i don't want to fucking make myself suffer just for the sake of others' happiness anymore. I'm sick of being nice when you all don't even care. Honestly, when i'm nice, i'm not expecting for they all to keep buying me stuff, giving me tons of money and shit. I just want a little of her time. What's wrong with that? She says she doesn't have the time. My foot. Just a few days ago, she said, if you really wanna accompany that person, you can find time one. She ownself just said that a few days ago. She doesn't fucking practice what she preaches. Wtf.

Anyws, met DDT after that, we talked, i asked him to tell me honestly, he had never ever liked me before right? Wow, finally, i finally asked this face to face and finally got an answer for finally dk after how long. His answer was, he all the while just treat me as friend, from the start, he never ever liked me before. He said this while not looking me in the eyes. Yeah, if it was the usual, good-mood, happy me, i would've already said, "Nah, i don't believe you, cause you never looked me in the eyes when you say that. :)" But wow, i was already crying like hell, mood already ruined like hell, whole person already crumbled like hell to even be so positive about this anymore. Hahahhas. That's.. Wow, amazing. It's funny how he totally doesn't understand me. Totally doesn't know how i feel and everything. Talked to him about me & my sister quarrelling. Told him i don't wanna go home, told him why and stuff. He says he can't help me with anything. I told him it's alright, i'll find somewhere to go to. After that, asked A & Laopo if i can go over their house for the night. They both said okay, sure. But of course i know, they're the kinda person who gives, but takes in return. DDT end up say he bu fang xin me, so tried calling home, asking his parents if they can adopt me for the night. But.. They didn't allow. Hahhahahs. So end up, when i was walking towards A's house, DDT called me, i told him, it's okay, i found a place to go. Hahhahahs. Yeah, if he even noticed, i tried to fake a smile in my voice, i tried to fake a laughter all the while. Just so he wouldn't be worried. DDT, really got worried after that. Said that if i really go up to A's house, knowing that A will do stuff to me, he wouldn't talk to me again. I told him, but i really don't wanna go home. He said, if i don't go home, and insist on going to A's house, he really, seriously, will stop talking to me again. Okay, fine, after that, i went home. But now, he says, he's sick of being involved with my life, he wants to be him, the him, the life, which didn't involve a troublesome me. Hahahhahas. Of course, who would wanna have "me" in their life? I was never meant to have any good friends, i wasn't meant to meet any good people you know. My life, is destinied to be crap. LOL. But yeah, DDT, thanks for being my ____ once, for being my coach once, my friend once, thanks for trying to help me, thanks for being nice to me in harsh ways, thanks for hurting me for my own sake, thanks for letting me like you. And i'm really sorry for being such trouble to you, ruining your life. I'm sorry for all i've done. I'm foolish to think you've even liked me eh? Hahahahhahas. :)

Wow. I seriously dk what to do. When everyone wants me to do choice 1, & i don't wanna, they get angry and stuff. And when i finally do choice 1, they get angry too. Whatthehell am i suppose to do to make all of them satisfied? No matter what i do, it'll still be a fault, a mistake right? After all, i'm Chen Yi ru, nothing i do will ever satisfy anyone. I'm sorry all, it's all my fault. Sorry for not living up to all of your expectations.

But seriously, i guess it's from all the crying? I'm pretty much numb now. I don't know what to feel. But yeah, i'm sick of being nice anymore :P After all, each time i'm nice, i'm still known as "the bad person", or people'll just say i'm not nice enough. Know what? That's it, i'm through with being nice. Thanks to those who made me realise, being nice will just make me suffer. Imma try my best to be as cold-hearted, and treat everyone the way they treat me now :) Thanks people (Y)

Argh, gonna go sleep now. After all those bull-shit-crying, plus the effing major headache this morning, my eyes are closing by themselves >.> So.. Night! :)

Yours Truely,
Yi Ru :'(



Tired of trying, sick of crying,
Yeah i'm smiling, but inside i'm dying.

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Dear Diary,
to think i first, main reason that i created this blog is so i can always submit posts about me & him, about all the happy memories that were created. And now, when i finally decided to create this blog, to take note of everything, it already ended. Oh the irony. Hahhahahhas. Even before the first post can be up, this is already the last post. Wow. But in order to not let this blog die. Might as well did what i did a few years ago and just blog :o

This is the marking of the "first yet last but not exactly last" post :) Wow, that's random :o Awesome name (Y) LOL.

Yours Truely,
Yi Ru <:)